why beady eye is not (a flippant review of the year’s worst single).

Band name misnomers can sometimes be funny. Led Zeppelin’s name famously came from overhearing a guy lambast another act thus: ‘”they went down like a lead zeppelin!” Of course, LedZep themselves have hardly reached the lows of said dirigible. Pixies, in a similar name-music disparity, were not particularly sweet or fairy-like, bashing their instruments and yowling about ‘slicin’ up eyeballs’ (similarly, the white noise of Nirvana was a far cry from the Buddhist serenity implied by the name). Joy Division is a happier name than both the band’s music itself and the Nazi brothel they took their title from.

Some – the deliberately absurd – are not so funny. I’m not sure whether I loathe the Pigeon Detectives’ music or their name more (though it could be their warty faces). But I digress for the moment, as there’s only one band I’m particularly intent on attacking today: Beady Eye.

Gallagher Minor has returned with a free download entitled ‘Bring the Light’. I won’t go into the sonic & stylistic technicalities; the only possible review of this brilliantly turgid turd is: it’s godawful.

What does the name of the band suggest though? Why would anyone call their band Beady Eye, other than as part of an elaborate Joaquin Phoenix-esque hoax (and don’t let’s be silly: Liam has no sense of irony whatsoever)? It implies a sort of insight, I’d say, like Liam et al can truly see the future of music and cast a wry reflection on things.

Lennon was right. And we are bigger than Jesus. We will be as big as The Beatles, if not bigger.

~ William John Paul Gallagher

Ahem.

I’ll jump back a moment to point out that I am not wholly against Liam Gallagher – just that, as his entire career has proved, he needs his brother pulling the strings to get anything worthwhile out of him. Here’s a mental image for you of Noel holding a shit and squeezing out a pair of shades and a tambourine.

Writing as fairly and impartially as possible, none of these ‘beady-eyed’ men (aka all-of-Oasis-bar-Noel) have a particularly beady eye, both metaphorically and literally (just look at Liam!). The only way their name possibly makes sense is if we say their collective eye is too small, too closed – possibly the influence of a nasty infection – to notice just how ridiculous they are.

And this is where we realise that, insanely-named though they are, at least they got the title of the single right: please, somebody bring them the light before they embarrass themselves further.

Calum

Sub-Ed/Treasurer

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